


Peach

by supersquid



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1980s, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, Internalized Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Slow Build, all in all its a very slow romance :), am i using that tag right? im new to this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 00:05:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13601319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supersquid/pseuds/supersquid
Summary: Holly Conrad is a perfect young lady at Kettleburg High School. She dresses proper, she hands in every assignment, she attends student council—but ever since a girl she's known her whole life comes out as a lesbian to the whole school, she realizes all the places where her life isn't so perfect.Suzy Berhow doesn't care what anyone thinks. She had friends at one point, and that was cool, but turns out they were jerks so she didn't mind seeing them go. Her grades may be failing and she may be one of the most outcasted people in town, but as long as her strong bond with her family doesn't shift and she continues to never give a shit, she'll be fine. Plus, that cute girl from science does stare at her a lot. Nice.





	1. Bubblegum Pink

**Author's Note:**

> The internet is tragically lacking in pure Holly/Suzy content :( so here's my little contribution to that worthy cause. Enjoy!
> 
> \- Currently updating every 4-5 days

March 8th, 1981. 

 

Holly watched her out of the corner of her eye in science class. Holly watched the girl's pencil moved on its own, her eyes were staring blankly off into space as she doodled idly on her incomplete homework. Her hair had at least eight bobby pins doing little to tame her frizzy, dyed-light-purple hair. She was wearing an off-white t-shirt that was just a little too big for her, a graphic pattern that used to be there but faded with time was just visible when she shifted restlessly. She had never stopped moving ever since Holly had started watching her.

 

Her name was Suzy Berhow. Holly had known her since middle school as an acquaintance, but they had rarely spoken. They were very different people, Holly always trying to abide to the “ladylike” persona everyone wanted to see nowadays, while Suzy had never seemed to care about what anyone thought. Holly felt a tiny smile light up her lips as she watched Suzy blow a bubblegum bubble then getting yelled at for chewing gum in class, before sweetly saying “sorry, miss,” but continuing to chew anyways. She was amazing, Holly had always thought. But one day in grade nine, a day no one would ever forget, Suzy nonchalantly mentioned during a presentation that she was a lesbian. She didn’t realize it was a bad thing in most people’s eyes, in fact, she didn’t even realize it was a _thing,_ apparently. Her whole family had never seen it as anything more than a trait, like how Suzy was five foot four, she happened to also be gay. Never in a million years would she expect every friend she had to abandon her and everyone either being overly apologetic to her or being just completely homophobic. Her tragic reputation followed her into grade ten, and now eleven, but she just never seemed to mind. Her outlook on life was a “whatever” shrug. It was amazing.

 

Holly, though she disliked that it was true, had been one of the people who automatically reverted into apologetic towards the girl who didn’t care. She tried to make small talk when they ended up together somewhere, sit beside her if no one was, the like. She acted like Suzy had a terminal illness or something. She hated that she did that, too. She was just trying to be a good person, but it came off as pity. Suzy caught Holly staring at her at least once a week, then Holly would have to awkwardly look away and pretend like she was just glancing around and happened to look at Suzy on the way around, but Holly knew she’d never buy it. When they did make terribly weird eye contact during one of these episodes, Holly swore she could see Suzy’s eyes spell “it’s cause I’m gay, isn’t it?”

 

And she was right. Not completely right, though. The truth was that Holly was wondering about herself. She would never forget hearing another girl say the words “I’m gay,” and her fourteen-year-old heart almost jumping out of her chest. It had beat so hard for the rest of the class that she was terrified that everyone else could hear, could decode her own uncertainty. Holly had never been interested in boys. Holly had always stared at ads for women for a second too long. Holly’s heart had beat too hard for it to mean nothing. She had always been a million light years apart from even considering the idea that she might like girls, but ever since Suzy had shown her there was a way to be different, it’s like gravity had finally grabbed her feet and was trying to yank her down to the truth.

 

It couldn’t be her. She adjusted her headband and looked away from Suzy. She was not that kind of girl. She smoothed out her skirt and gently crossed her legs. Her writing was curly and perfect, her answers were smart and thought-out. She had such an impeccable track record—model student, model daughter, model young lady—this couldn’t be her downfall.

 

The act of not glancing at Suzy at least every five minutes was driving her crazy, though.

 

Holly didn’t want her life, that was for sure, but she craved that careless nature. If she could be whatever she wanted… what a life she’d lead.


	2. Cream Beige

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find Me - Kings of Leon  
> Telescope - Cage the Elephant  
> Why Do You Feel So Down - Declan McKenna

March 8th, 1981. 

 

Suzy, who she swore seemed to be the only queer kid at Kettleburg High School, started collecting her stuff and sticking it haphazardly in her backpack about fifteen minutes before the bell went. She knew she wasn’t going to get anything done anyways. She just sat, gazing at nothing in particular but almost watching the clock. Her daze was interrupted when she felt the light prick of someone’s eyes on her. It wasn’t the teacher, so she shifted her gaze to the usual suspect, Holly Conrad. By the time Suzy looked over at her she had looked back down at her paper, but somehow Suzy knew that it would’ve been her. In grade nine, everyone had stared at her, every day, all the time. They died down over grade ten and were almost completely gone by the time Suzy hit grade eleven—whether people realized they weren’t going to get a reaction out of her or she just became old news didn’t matter, point is, the only person who still watched her was that Holly girl in her science class. They had known each forever, but had never truly been anything to each other, not friends, not enemies, just awkward but friendly acquaintances. Holly was a sort of reluctant preppy gal anyways, she’d never get caught up in the teenage burnout that Suzy was. But no what how different they were, something about Suzy clearly always drew Holly’s eyes. She liked to think that Holly thought she was hot, but that was wishful thinking. Suzy grinned comically at the thought. Whatever. She never cared about people’s weird little habits, why start now?

 

The bell sounded, a rash buzz that sounded more like heavy machinery than any kind of ringing, and Suzy leapt out of her seat. She was happy to head out, get moving again and finally go home. By the time science rolled around every day, she was already too tired to pay a lick of attention. What was a protein enzyme? Who knows, not Suzy! Besides, she was raring to get home since her dad was finally back from his week-long business trip way out in the east coast. She absolutely adored her dad, and as tight-knit as her family was, having him gone for so long threw their dynamic way out of whack. She was already planning to make some spaghetti-sauce lasagna for them to eat all together tonight, his favourite dinner.

 

Suzy slung her backpack onto her shoulder and hurried out of the science classroom, giving the teacher, Mrs. Harbury, a offhanded wave as she left. Just as she headed down the science hallway, beelining for the exit, she felt a small tap on her shoulder. She instinctively whipped around and the person who had requested her attention gave a scared little peep and gingerly drew her hand back.

 

It was Holly. And she _was_ really pretty. She had wide blue eyes and neat makeup, though one eye’s mascara had been slightly smudged at some point during the course of the dull day. Her hair was dirty blond and hung just at her shoulders, bangs almost long enough to cover her eyes but thankfully held back by a lilac-coloured headband. She wore a knee-length skirt that was yellow with the faintest patterns of green flowers all over it, and her pinstripe shirt was tucked into it neatly.

 

Perfectly.

 

The silence that ensued was a second too long to be comfortable. Holy looked like she had something to say, but just couldn’t get it out now, so Suzy picked up the slack, hoping to prompt it out of her. “Sorry about that,” Suzy shrugged her bag further onto her shoulder. “You scared me a bit.”

 

“Oh, no, don’t worry about it.” Holly assured Suzy, shaking her hands out and smoothing out her skirt, though it wasn’t wrinkled at all. Interesting. “I should be apologizing. You looked like you were in a hurry, and I… yeah. If you’re busy, by all means, I’d hate to hold you up.”

 

Holly’s voice sounded sincere, but she seemed like the kind of nice girl who’d say just that. Besides, Suzy was getting increasingly interested in just why her classmate had finally approached her after all these years of incessant gazing. Her dad would be home no matter when she got there. But this… if she walked away from this, she may never know what Holly wanted.

 

“Nah, I’m not going anywhere in particular. I just like running, I guess.” True, yet untrue. Good way of talking to strangers. “What’s on your mind, Holly?”

 

When Suzy actually said her name, Holly’s eyes lit up a little bit. Why, Suzy didn’t know, but it felt good to know she was a little more at ease.

 

“Well—I guess I wanted to let you know I really love your hair. A-and… um,” Holly stammered off like she didn’t know where to go from there. “Um. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to tell you. You can go now, if you want.”

 

Suzy raised an eyebrow. Clearly, that was not very true, but if Holly didn’t want to spill, so be it. “Well, thank you. My sister dyes it for me. I’m thinking of going a darker colour next.” Suzy smiled and ran a hand through her purple waves for effect.

 

“Ooh,” Holly looked and sounded genuinely interested in what she was saying. Suzy tried to determine if she was pretending or not. “That would suit you!”

 

“Thanks. I thought so too. I put on such a cool act, I ought to fill the part, y’know?”

 

Holly laughed a bit. “Guess so. Same goes for me, if I ever dyed my hair, the world would probably split apart. I’m too… you know. Good? Good is the word.”

 

Suzy smiled again, a little more fondly, but Holly’s faltered.

 

“You can go, really. I didn’t want to waste your time. Sorry.” She really did sound sorry.

 

“Don’t worry about it, pal. I liked talking to you even if it was only for, like, a minute.” Suzy paused and readjusted her backpack definitively. “Well. See you,”

 

“Yeah.” Holly nodded, “see you.”

 

Suzy started towards the door, but she walked this time. Holly’s little comment felt incomplete, there was something that she had wanted to say but didn’t. Some small part of Suzy hoped she’d work up the nerve to say what she needed instead of just letting her go.

 

And she did.

 

Just as Suzy gripped the door handle, a pleasant voice rang out again.

 

“Suzy, wait!”

 

Suzy grinned and turned around to find Holly, arms full of textbooks and papers, skidding to a stop just in front of her.

 

“I’m sorry, really, for keeping you back more, but I just wanted to ask… oh, lord, this is so dumb.” Holly’s voice had sped up significantly.

 

“Spit it out, then,” Suzy was smiling at her.

 

“I just wanted to ask if you wanted to be my friend.” Holly’s blue eyes were beaming with hope. It was adorable.

 

Suzy didn’t even want to hesitate. Having a friend and making this ball of sunshine happy? It was worth the kindergarten-level proposition.

 

“Of course. Now, I do have to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, friend.” Suzy gave Holly a last perky wave before officially heading out.

 

Well, that was productive. Suzy still really didn’t know Holly that well, but in a single conversation she had managed to become one of Suzy’s favourite people in the school. That wasn’t much of a feat, mind you, Suzy didn’t truly like anyone there, but Holly seemed… much more than Suzy had always dismissed her to be. Although that probably could be the weirdest way Holly could have befriended her, it was almost charming. Suzy was so accustomed to people not knowing what to say to her because of who she was, but this was another end of that spectrum. Holly was just flustered to talk to her because she was a stranger, not a lesbian. Or maybe not, but if she was, she hid it pretty well. She hoped that Holly would actually follow through with being a friend to Suzy, but if she didn’t… well, it was a nice thought while it lasted.

 

As Suzy headed down the same streets she walked every morning and evening, she considered the possibilities over and over in her mind. Holly could be a government official sent to pretend to be a regular school go-er to spy on Suzy, or she could be an alien from Venus trying to test out how making friends works. Maybe she just was the living embodiment of Cindy from The Grinch, or maybe she was also gay.

 

That last thought stopped Suzy in her tracks suddenly by the sheer probability. She barely could bring herself to believe that maybe she wasn’t alone in this world, just in cast wasn’t true. She glanced behind her in the direction of the school, picking apart every instance of Holly that she knew. There was no way to tell. As far she she knew, Holly had never had a boyfriend, but Suzy never stayed in the loop about those kinds of things anyway. She cleared her throat and kept walking. Maybe. Only maybe.

 

Suzy’s house was a small duplex in the old and tiny part of Kettleburg, an already old and tiny town. They had a huge, slowly dying, birch tree with a tire swing out front, whose leaves were almost coming back, but not quite. Their house was easily defined from the rest because of their excessive amount of Christmas lights hung up all year long all over their yard. It looks great at night. In the driveway, a worn red car sat, which meant Jean, her older sister was already home as well. Jean was probably Suzy’s best friend, even though she was two years older. Jean was taking a gap year because they couldn’t yet afford to send her to college and there wasn’t a nice and cheap one in Kettleburg for her to attend. So she was spending the year working and hanging out with Suzy, which Suzy appreciated. Suzy headed inside, locking the door behind her and announcing that she was home before Jean came careening out of the kitchen with her finger over her mouth.

 

“Shh, Dad’s sleeping,” she whispered before pulling Suzy into a hug.

 

“Oh, sorry,” Suzy matched her hushed voice. “Yeah, I’ll bet he’s tired. He was on, like, New York time.”

 

Jean nodded vigorously, letting Suzy go and wandering back into the kitchen. Suzy followed her. “We can talk a little louder in here, the noise won’t carry so well upstairs. Probably.”

 

Suzy laughed quietly. “Comforting. So, are we making lasagna and gossiping?”

 

Jean’s eyes lit up, and she sprung into action, getting pots and pans out of cupboards as quietly as possible. Suzy got to work too, getting out the ingredients for spaghetti sauce.

 

“Hem, hem.” Jean nudged her sister in the side. “Why did you bring up gossiping, exactly? Got any news in your barren social life?”

 

“You jerk.” Suzy grinned up at Jean. “I do, in fact. I made a friend today. I think.” She couldn’t keep the pride out of her voice if she tried. “Her name is Holly and she said that she liked my hair but agreed that a darker colour would suit me. She seemed pretty nervous about talking to me, which was cute. It was like watching a shy puppy.”

 

“Oh?” Jean’s eyebrows shot up, she was grinning widely. “ _Her,_ I hear you say.”

 

Suzy rolled her eyes. “We literally just met.”

 

“Is she hot? Or cute, I guess? Do you like her? Oh my god, are you in love?” Sometimes it was hard to tell whether Jean was being serious about these things or not.

 

“Jean, literally, the hell do you think? She’s cute, yes, but you know as well as I do that our school is the absolute straightest. If she turns out to be anything but a raging hetero, I will be amazed.” Suzy lamented definitively.

 

Jean just scoffed. “She obviously knows you’re gay, so maybe that’s why she talked to you. I bet she likes you. Three bucks says she likes you.”

 

“Three? Your prices have lowered.”

 

“That’s pretty much all the money I have at the moment. I accidentally bought, uh, a fifty-dollar Bob Ross bobblehead yesterday.” Jean scuttled away, while Suzy paused her cooking to stare at her sister with true disappointment.

 

“You need professional help, Jee.” Suzy returned to her vegetable-chopping, smiling and shaking her head.

 

They continued cooking together, making light banter, talking about their days and really whatever else came to mind. About an hour later, the front door opened again and Suzy’s mom walked in, trying to be as quiet as possible, but having trouble not dropping her handful of groceries.

 

“Mom! Welcome back!” Jean exclaimed, but not too loudly. She rushed over to help her carry everything into the kitchen.

 

“Thanks, Jean. I still made it in one trip, and that’s what counts, right?” She wiped her brow, kissed both her daughters on their cheeks and sniffed the air. “Smells great, you two. Ah, I love having old kids.”

 

“And we love being old, so it works out pretty well.” Suzy smiled and turned around, pausing her sauce for a second time. Suzy loved her mom, a lovely, petite woman who looked passive but was one of the most passionate people Suzy knew. When Suzy had first came out, people would stare at her while they were out in public. It was just the way in a tiny town like this one. But her mother would actively glare right back at them or, sometimes, when she decided her daughter had dealt with enough already, she literally saunter up to them and go chew them out personally. It was always a joy and an embarrassment to watch.

 

“You girls want me to go wake up your father?” Suzy’s mom asked, unloading her groceries.

 

“Let’s wake him up when dinner’s ready, he deserves the rest.” Jean proposed, starting to help her mother put everything away.

 

“He was so excited to see you girls when he got back.” Suzy’s mom laughed. “He promised he wouldn’t fall asleep until he’d seen you two, but, well…”

 

They all laughed. With three people helping out, the lasagna was done in record time.

 

Suzy was setting plates while Jean got water for everyone, and their mother went to wake up their father, finally. Suzy had a relationship with her dad that she’d never be able to have with anyone else. He seemed to know what to do in every situation and always led her down the right path, and even if she didn’t follow his advice, he still supported whatever decisions she made. In her house, everyone loved everyone just the same, but Suzy had always been a daddy’s girl. It was fine, though, since Jean and her mom had a special bond as well. Besides, Suzy’s dad was most likely where she inherited her carelessness. Unlike Jean and her mother, her dad had always taught her that letting things go would always end better than acting out on anger. Suzy took that advice to heart, Jean did not. And everyone was fine with that. Suzy’s favourite thing about her household was that you could be whoever you were and you’d be supported for it.

 

Good thing, too.

 

A loud yawn and heavy steps going downstairs signalled to Jean and Suzy that their father was on the way. Suzy ran to the bottom of the stairs and met him there, throwing her arms around him the minute his smiling, groggy, wrinkled face came into view.

 

“Sweetheart!” He hugged her back. His hands were warm.

 

“Hi, dad.” Suzy voice was muffled by her dad’s shoulder. “Nice to have you back.”

 

She pulled away, smiling happily, and tugged him towards the table. “We made you something!”

 

“Oh, you darlings, you shouldn’t have—” He was cut off by Jean tackling him in another hug. “You too!” He laughed.

 

“Thanks for coming back, Dad. I’m super glad you didn’t decide that New York was a million times cooler than Kettleburg and stay there forever.” Jean grinned as she released him, both of their eyes twinkling.

 

“It wasn’t _New York_ , I’d say, just a little outside of there. Dollar-store New York, my coworker referred to it as. But no matter how New York-y it gets, I’d trade a lifetime there for a dinner here. With the best people in my life.” Their dad put his arm around both his daughters and their mom hugged him from behind.

 

Suzy loved home. It looked like a normal house but it sounded like her sister’s laughter and smelt like her mother’s perfume and felt like her father’s hugs. It was a place where she could feel seamless. The only place.


	3. Apple Green

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jovial - Limes  
> Wild West - Gregory and the Hawk  
> Your Best American Girl - Mitski

March 9th, 1981. 

 

Holly’s bedside clock read 1:22am. She rolled over and rubbed her face, trying to get comfortable and fall asleep. She was going to be an absolute zombie tomorrow.

 

After school she had done the usual: take her bike back to her house on Maple Street, do all her homework, feed and take her dog, Paco, for a walk, then make dinner and wait for her father to come back from work. But she had been thinking about Suzy the entire time today. That had to be one of the most awkward things she’s ever done. “Do you want to be my friend?” was possibly the least cool thing to say. Talking to Suzy was so strange; Holly felt like there some kind of imbalance to them, because she knew about Suzy’s life but Suzy knew nothing of hers. She was determined to change that, determined to get up tomorrow and hang out with her new… friend. The word was new. It carried more weight now, it was a commitment that Holly had made, not just a person  she ate lunch with because they looked similar and wouldn’t get picked on when in groups. But Suzy, her attention meant she wanted to be attentive. She didn’t want to be Holly’s friend to gain something superficial, she wanted to be a friend.

 

And that was something Holly had almost never experienced entirely.

 

To have a friend to go on late night walks with, to have spontaneous picnics with, to talk about books and school and ice cream and love with. If nothing else, Holly wanted to be able to also provide that for a kid like Suzy. Sure, she barely cared what anyone thought of her, but she also lost all her friends at once. That couldn’t be good for someone’s self-esteem, right?

 

Holly gazed out her window, gentle moonlight streaming in from the foggy glass. She smiled, closed her eyes, and tried to let dreams drift her off to the sea of sleep.

 

* * *

 

Holly woke up to the sound of her alarm going off. She stretched and sat up, eyes watery and unfocused. Sleep had not come easily, but she’d survive. A little bit more makeup on today, and no one would notice the bags under her eyes. She showered, blow-dried and curled her hair, got dressed, put on her makeup, and headed downstairs. She heard the sizzling of bacon before she smelled it, coming into the kitchen and seeing her dad cooking up some breakfast.

 

“Good morning, Dad.” She greeted, taking a seat at the counter. He bobbed his head in acknowledgement, not looking up from his cooking. After deciding she wasn’t going to get an answer, Holly looked away from him and pretended to be busy smoothing out her skirt, a habit she did when she was nervous, sad, frustrated, pretty much any other emotion than happy.

 

Holly loved her dad, she really did, but it felt like her dad didn’t know what to do with that love. She never met her mother and her father never talked about her, so this was the only parenting she knew, but something always felt off about her relationship with him. She went easy on him; Holly knew he was a troubled navy veteran, but it still left a dull sting when he didn’t appreciate her attempts at helping him get better. She had always hoped that one day, he’d realize he wasn’t completely there for Holly and change his ways, but it hadn’t happened yet.

 

He was the only reason she tried to be perfect. She wanted to be one less thing that he had to worry about, so she got the best grades and dressed like a lady and never rebelled at all. If he wasn’t part of her life, Holly didn’t know who she’d be.

 

Her dad set a plate of eggs and bacon in front of her. “Have a good day at school, Holly.” he said, patting her shoulder and walking out of the kitchen.

 

“Good luck at work,” she muttered once she had no eggs in her mouth, though he had probably already left the house by then. He worked a not-so-glamorous job as a cook at a nearby breakfast restaurant, but they still were well-off from the money that he had made while he was still in the navy. Besides, there were only two of them and neither ever bought very much.

 

Once she had fed Paco and was finally ready to leave for school, Holly took her bike out from the backyard and started riding, feeling the cool, early spring breeze whizz by. She loved this time of year, though everything was grey, it was like the world was blanketed in soft light. The harshness of winter was gone, the heat of summer just emerging between breaks in the clouds where the sun got through. It was supposed to start getting rainy soon, which she loved as well. Spring was a time of life.

 

School was as blurry as usual, social and English blending together so well that she barely noticed going in between them, but there was a moment during lunch where, sitting with her “friends,” she excused herself to go to the bathroom but really wandered around, trying aimlessly to spot Suzy. She had never seen the girl during lunch, and she wondered where she ate if it wasn’t outside or in the cafeteria. Besides, shouldn’t friends eat with each other?

 

In photography, her second last class, her mind kept drifting off to what she’d do and say in science class. She decided haphazardly that she’d sit beside Suzy, whether or not they’d have a conversation would be completely up to how Holly’s temperamental ability to talk to Suzy was feeling today. Maybe she could talk about photography. But she would need to do something interesting to make for a good conversation, right? For a terrifying second, Holly stared at the camera in her hand and figured it would make an interesting story if she just dropped it. Suddenly worried for her sanity, Holly gingerly placed the camera on her desk and told herself not to touch it. Maybe she could just lie about it?

 

No, no, what if Suzy talked to someone else about it in her class and they told her the truth? Plus, Holly was a really bad liar and she’d feel bad about it for weeks after. Maybe, she could just compliment Suzy on something? She did that yesterday, though. Too repetitive.

 

The bell went off. Holly made a little squeak of fear and a few other photography students looked at her funny, but she was too busy trying to put her things in her bag with hands shaking as much as hers. She speedwalked down to science just to stand outside the classroom for about a minute, smoothing her skirt frantically. Once Mrs. Harbury started doing attendance, Holly knew she had to suck it up and get in the classroom. She took a deep breath and walked in just as her name was called. She raised her hand for the teacher to see, then scanned the room. Her usual seat near the front was left empty for her, but she was looking at where Suzy was. The purple-haired girl sat at the back like always, surrounded by a row of more completely empty desks.

 

Suzy was staring at Holly from the corner of her eye. Holly could tell that she was pretending like she wasn’t, because Holly had used the looking-through-the-hair tatic herself quite a few times, but those green eyes were definitely sneaking a look. That thought alone gave Holly a little boost of confidence. She walked around to the back of the class and sat down beside Suzy, who smiled at her as she sat.

 

“That has to be the first time you’ve ever come in almost late,” Suzy propped her head up on her hand.

 

Holly grinned while taking out her science materials from her bag. “Even you got here before I did. Tragically, it’s a little late in the year to use the ‘I got lost’ excuse. ‘Guess I just got a bit sidetracked.”

 

“Hey, that sounded like an almost insult,” Suzy joked, suspiciously squinting at Holly. “Also, are you implying that you’ve watched when I come in every day? Glad to know I have fans.” Suzy kicked her feet up on the desk to show off, but quickly took them off before Mrs. Harbury noticed. Suzy laughed quietly and Holly smiled, just as amused but afraid to be too loud.

 

Holly laid everything out on the desk neatly, pencils and erasers to the left of her science binder, spare lined paper to the right, as always. Order and consistency were a part of Holly’s life. She always wanted to get as close as possible to perfection. Suzy looked impressed.

 

“Don’t think I’ve ever not had to dig through a bag full of empty juice boxes to get something I needed in science,” she admitted, patting the bag at her feet, “so your organization is truly amazing.”

 

“Aw, thanks. I think.” Holly, suddenly a little self conscious about her neat habits, picked up one of her pencils.

 

Suzy nodded in acknowledgement and then they lapsed into a silence, with Holly listening to the teacher but very aware of Suzy beside her. She was reeling at the success of their short conversation, but now she was growing increasingly worried Suzy was bored, but even more worried that she didn’t want to start up another conversation. Every so often, she would glance at Suzy and pray she didn’t notice. Her mind was way more scattered than it had ever been in science class. Suzy was just laying her head on her hands and staring at the teacher, eyes blank. She looked like she could fall asleep. Holly took a pause from writing her notes and took a deep breath, before pretending she didn’t have to consider starting a conversation a million times.

 

“Did you get any sleep last night? Or do you just not like science class?” Holly slid her hand off of her desk and turned in her chair to face Suzy. She spoke quietly, worried that Mrs. Harbury would notice, but again, pretending she wasn’t.

 

Suzy perked up a bit and looked up at Holly, grinning. “Both. I think—well, I _thought_ no one in this class liked me,” her eyes lit up, and Holly smiled. “I’m glad I’ve got a friend now. But, still, Mrs. Harbury thinks I’m a dumbass. Honestly, I can’t one hundred percent say she’s wrong.” Suzy yawned sleepily and laid closed her eyes partially. “My useless brain decided it was a genius idea to stay up ‘til like three a.m.”

 

So Holly’s reckless sleeping schedule last night was easily outdone by at least someone. She couldn’t think of anything to say, so just raised her eyebrows in concern.

 

“I was drawing, I guess. I lost track of time or I just didn’t care, can’t remember.”

 

That interested Holly. “You draw?”

 

Suzy nodded, considered, then shook her head. “I’m really bad at it, but I wanted to give it a shot. You gotta get out of your comfort zone sometimes, you know?”

 

“Yeah…” Holly did know. She learned yesterday. “In that case, you’ve got to show me your drawings someday, though. Please?”

 

It was Suzy’s turn to raise her eyebrows. “Hm, I mean, you are my friend…”

 

Holly’s heart leapt a little, and she looked away, embarrassed, and hoping she wasn’t blushing.

 

“Someday.” Suzy finished.

 

And that was that.

 

The rest of the class was silent between them, but the silence felt more comfortable. They said their goodbyes at the ring of the bell and Holly found she couldn’t stop smiling as she rode home. Maybe, they really could be friends. This could be something.

 

Something, someday.


	4. Dandelion Yellow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club  
> Fixed - Stars  
> Bambi - Tokyo Police Club

March 12th, 1981

 

It only took three days for science to become Suzy’s favourite class. She sat with Holly at the back of the room each day and spent the hour and a half cloaked in bliss of talking to someone so new, someone so in sync, conversations nervous but flowing like the rainwater outside. With each day Suzy started to further believe that they were meant to be friends. Holly had always been there, a few blocks away probably, sitting and taking notes in a classroom nearby, but Suzy had never seen the future in her. Maybe this was to make up for all their lost time. Now, on a particularly rainy Friday evening, sitting in science class and exchanging quiet jokes with her newest, her only friend, Suzy suddenly realized that the weekend was approaching with every passing minute of science. Two days without seeing Holly didn’t sound like a lot, but thinking about it sent Suzy’s gut twisting.

 

“Um, Suzy? You alright? You got all not-smiley all of a sudden.” Holly had raised her eyebrows, concerned.

 

Suzy’s eyes widened and she ran a hand through her hair, clearing head. “I’m good. Just thinking about… homework.”

 

“Homework?” Holly bit her lip and flipped through her notes quickly. “We don’t have any in science, right?”

 

“Oh, no. If we did, I’m sure you’d know. There’s a rule for being my friend: I don’t know  _ anything _ about when things are happening. Please never rely on me for knowing about homework, I will let you down horribly.” Suzy spun her pencil in her hand, smiling slyly.

 

Holly laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

 

The silence was sudden but expectant. Suzy knew the universe was giving her a shot.

 

“Hey, Holly,” Suzy was never nervous about asking anything before, what was different about now? “Not to be, like, weird or anything, but you wouldn’t want to hang out would you? I mean, outside of school?”

 

Holly’s eyes widened, and she exclaimed, a little too loudly,  _ “would I?” _ When the teacher and about ten students turned to look at her, faintly annoyed, she clamped a hand over her mouth and looked terrified, which sent Suzy into a spiral of suppressed laughter.

 

After the spotlight of shame had faded, Holly, still blushing, gingerly placed a hand on Suzy’s arm to get her attention, though she already had it fully.

 

“Ah, ha ha… I meant that yes, I’d love to spend some time with you. Anything specific in mind?”

 

Suzy couldn’t come up with anything spectacular on the spot, so she settled for what was on the tip of her tongue. “I was thinking that you could come over to my house some time. I could make us lunch… or something. I’m a pretty good cook, might be a surprise to ya. Plus, my sister’s really cool and I think you guys would get along.” Before Holly could input her opinions on that plan, Suzy suddenly got worried about how weirdly specific her idea was, and quickly continued, “but that’s just a thought. If you’ve got a better idea, I’d be cool with that.” She nodded, painfully aware of how much weirder she sounded  _ now. _ Luckily Holly took it in stride. She was good at that, her judgement was nonexistent or silent. Suzy appreciated it especially, since she was the one person Suzy was afraid of messing up in front of.

 

“I’d love to!” Holly exclaimed, managing to sound overjoyed even while whispering. “Were you thinking this… this weekend?” Her voice had a hopeful lilt.

 

Suzy nodded.

 

There was a moment of almost-awkward almost-fond staring between the two of them before the final bell sounded and they looked their own ways to collect their things. They walked together to Holly’s locker, bantering quietly like old friends. Suzy forgot what it was like to have a friend that came from nowhere, just someone who wanted to hang around her because they got along. It was a comforting, warm feeling, but the fear that it could end with a single wrong move or sentence was always there, which Suzy didn’t remember her past friendships being like. There was something so fragile about Holly. It was like Suzy could feel that her fondness was delicate—always just a touch away from breaking. Suzy could only hope that they’d continue to head down this path, solidifying their relationship and Suzy claiming a place in Holly’s heart.

 

But that could just be speculation. Holly had proved herself to be a lot different then what Suzy had ever thought so far, who knows what else she really is?

 

“You… ah, you alright there?”

 

Holly had gotten all her things and was holding her bag expectantly, looking up at Suzy, a little worried.

 

“Oh—sorry. Yeah, I’m good. The lack of sleep, y’know?”

 

“Right.” Holly grinned. “Forgot about that.”

 

Suzy suddenly pulled out her science binder again, ripped a piece of paper out, and scribbled her address and phone number on it. She added her name and a smiley face for good measure. “Before I forget, you’ll probably need that. Is Saturday good for you?”

 

Holly took the paper gingerly as Suzy handed it to her, inspecting the writing very carefully. “Saturday sounds great. I’ll drop in at about noon?”

 

“It’s a plan.” 

 

“Your writing’s charming.” Holly folded the paper neatly and tucked it into her shirt pocket. “Anyway, I’ll see you then, Suzy.” She waved sweetly and walked off.

 

Suzy watched her go, holding her science binder tightly at her side. Her skirt swished and flirted against her legs, her hair just bounced enough so that you could only see the curls sway up and down if you really looked for it. And Suzy did. She did.


	5. Cider Orange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday Sun - Vance Joy  
> Couldn’t Believe - Broods  
> Always There When I Need You - Salt Cathedral
> 
> [ it's been a while :) ]

March 13th, 1981

 

Friday night had Holly in two moods, violently swinging between being unnecessarily nervous for tomorrow and being over the moon of the prospect of spending more time with Suzy. This was a staple moment of friendship, she thought, the whole hanging out outside of school business. To make sure she didn’t lose it, Holly had tacked Suzy’s note on her wall, every once in a while considering Suzy’s slanted, small handwriting that Holly couldn’t stop thinking about. But as she laid in her bed that night, staring at the paper, she felt a queasy twist in her gut that told her she was being a little weird and obsessive about this and she stood up and took Suzy’s paper off the wall, placing it face down on her drawer. She then tried to shut her eyes, hoping the quiet pelting of rain against the roof would calm down her brain, which was running frantically through the outcomes of tomorrow.

 

Saturday couldn’t come soon enough.

 

* * *

 

Yet, waking up the next morning was about the most terrifying thing Holly had dealt with in a while. The prospect of her knowing she’d have to ride up to, knock on the door of, step inside Suzy’s house was becoming increasingly daunting. Her dad was already gone by the time Holly was up, so she made herself a small breakfast and wrote him a note in case she was still gone by the time he got back. She was a little worried of what he’d think of her going over to someone who he had never met’s house, but her worry of how the day would go was much more prominent. She sat on her living room floor for a good fifteen minutes, petting Paco to try and soothe her nerves. At about ten o’clock, she started getting ready—shower, makeup, hair, clothes, the like. She made herself look extra put together so she’d have one less thing to be concerned about.

 

At eleven thirty, she pulled her bike out from her backyard and started riding down to where Suzy’s block was. She had looked it up and memorized the route more or less, figuring it would be about a twenty minute ride, but giving herself extra time in case she got lost along the way. It had stopped raining for Holly’s trip, which she appreciated, as she watched the sidewalk glisten with traces of last night’s storm from over the handlebars of her bike. The air was crisp with the morning’s sun being new to the world again, the smell of countryside rain still lingering. Suzy’s house wasn’t all that far after all, Holly decided to take a shortcut through a field that shortened her journey considerably and all she had to do from there was head down Broker Street and turn onto Suzy’s block.

 

And there it was. Her watch read eleven fifty by the time she stood, staring up at Suzy’s house, 729 Broker Hills. It was a small house, two stories but slim, and there was a huge tree out on the lawn which looked like it had a broken-down tree house and a wooden swing on it. There was a little red car in the driveway with the license plate “HONEY,” which made Holly smile a little bit.

 

Carefully, she parked her bike and walked up to the door, rubbing her hands together to stop them from shaking too much. All she had to was just press the doorbell. Fear was blossoming in her throat as she followed through, sending ringing through her new friend’s house. Holly t0ok a step back, clasping her hands and listening to the slamming of feet down a stairwell, running to the door, the click of a lock being freed, and before she even saw Suzy’s face she had already gone from stressed to beaming.

 

The door flew open, and there stood Suzy in the doorway, purple hair up in a long ponytail, wearing a long burgundy sweatshirt, sleeves rolled up, and was that… mascara?

 

“Hey,” she breathed.

 

“Nice to see you,” Holly replied, not being able to think of something better to say.

 

Suzy was smiling just as much, but she didn’t seem to have the same hint of terror that Holly just couldn’t shake. So maybe that was just a Holly thing.

 

“You too. You rode here, right? Want to put your bike in the garage? Can’t risk the squirrels stealing it.” Suzy didn’t wait for an answer, abandoning her post at the door and opening the garage door for Holly.

 

Holly relaxed, smile becoming a little less high-strung. This was Suzy, the girl who could make a joke out of anything. Her friend. She’d be alright. Suzy’s garage opened to reveal a bike rack, a place where a car could go, and a back wall completely filled with family pictures. Ceiling to roof, some good quality, some less, but they all had some sort of happiness attached to them. She was staring at the sheer multitude of photos so intently that she forgot what she was doing until Suzy popped her head out of the door and Holly sprung back into action. She placed her bike in the bike rack beside a weather-worn blue one, but she kept her hand on it, looking up at Suzy.

 

“Is here alright?”

 

Suzy gave her a big thumbs up. “You’re good.”

 

Holly smiled and left her bike, walking over to where Suzy stood. “I like all your pictures,” she murmured.

 

“Oh, yeah?” Suzy grinned and patted the wall, carefully though, so she wouldn’t accidentally knock any photos down. “Then you’re gonna like the rest of our house. These are all the rejects.” Suzy took a step inside and opened the door to the garage for Holly.

 

Holly walked in, gingerly taking her shoes off on a mat just inside, Suzy assuring her that she could leave them there. Walking into Suzy’s house was like being in a cozy cabin in the middle of the winter no matter the weather outside. It was a small, wooden space, it didn’t feel cramped but decorations filled every nook and cranny. The lighting was a warm orange, bright but soft, and everything radiated the love of the family inside.

 

“Wow,” Holly breathed, as Suzy lead her inside. “Your house is beautiful.”

 

“Glad someone thinks so. ‘It’s in no shape for guests’ says my mom. That’ll show her.” Suzy grinned, Holly smiled.

 

“Tell me about your family again. You have a sister, right?”

 

“Yep, she’ll be back in a few minutes, probably. I’ll let her introduce herself. Then mom and dad, who are both currently at work but you might meet depending on how long you stay. They are all really nice and will adore you, which means we’ll have to think of an escape plan in case they get too huggy or something. Sorry for assuming, but you don’t seem like you’d be too happy about unnecessary physical contact.” Suzy glanced over at her friend, who was still smiling and gazing at the house. “Want a tour?”

 

Holly laughed quietly. “You got that right. And yes, absolutely. Is all of it this nice?”

 

Holly followed Suzy all over the house, quaint little kitchen with black and white tiles, living room with big cushy couches, small backyard with an old sandbox that looked like it hadn’t been used for years, explaining all about everything and recounting stories of her childhood that involved all the places is her house. Every inch of it was jam-packed with memories and family, and Holly was happy to listen. Suzy’s family seemed to be so adoring that it was no wonder the girl bounced back easily after her friends all abandoned her—her support system at home was so strong she didn’t need anyone else. That thought almost made Holly sad, though she was disgusted at herself for feeling that way. Holly knew, deep down, she wanted to be a turning point in Suzy’s life, and she knew that that was a dumb motivation to be someone’s friend. She was happy Suzy was happy, but it made her feel unnecessary. Holly had just assumed everyone’s home life was more like her own, detached, like there were hundreds of lines she just couldn’t cross. Like love was unconditional, but hidden. Not in this house. It was out in the open, here.

 

“Ready to see my room? I haven’t cleaned it in months. Until yesterday. But I did a bad job, so it’s still authentic.” Suzy placed her hand on her doorknob, face suddenly serious.

 

“Obviously, yes. I’ve been waiting for this moment forever. Lemme see.” Holly exclaimed, genuinely excited.

 

“As you wish.” Suzy opened the door.

 

Suzy’s room was mostly orange wood, bed attached to the far left wall and made of the same wood, white blankets and pillows thrown on it. Her walls were covered in posters of bands and musicians Holly had never even heard of, but was definitely going to listen to later. On the floor were dozens of drawings, by Suzy, Holly assumed, and there was an old green couch off to the right. She had one small window beside her bed, but the most incredible part of Suzy’s room was that she didn’t have a ceiling, just a giant skylight that shone over all of her room.

 

“Oh, wow…” Holly was in awe. She couldn’t imagine living like this. What a dream.

 

“Isn’t it awesome? My dad and I built it together when I was like twelve. My room is my absolute favourite part of the house because of it.”

 

“I’m not surprised. God, this must be incredible at night.”

 

Suzy was gazing at Holly fondly, who was staring at the skylight, mesmerized. “It is. I have a hard time sleeping anywhere else because I’m so used to the last thing I see being the stars.” Holly was nodding, Suzy continued. “Come over for a sleepover someday and you can see it, too.” Then immediately clamped a hand over her mouth, but Holly just smiled.

 

“Sounds like fun. We’ll do it someday.”

 

They continued chatting and entered the room, Suzy flopping down on the bed and Holly on the couch. She had picked up some drawings and was inspecting them, eyebrows raised. “These are really good!” Holly exclaimed, holding up a few.

 

“Mm? Oh, no. Thanks, but I disagree. I have had no proper training, I only own one pen.” Suzy reached below her and grabbed a random drawing, crumpled it up, and threw it at Holly lightly. She stuck out her tongue in response, continuing to look at the artwork.

 

One really grabbed her eye, a simple drawing of cartoony yellow flowers on a green background that looked vaguely familiar. But why… Oh. Holly lifted the papers over her face to conceal her smile and a pink blush that spread over her cheeks. This was the same pattern on her skirt the first day they became friends.

 

“There’s my sister’s boyfriend’s car!” Suzy had her hands up on the windowsill and Holly walked over to join her. The two watched Suzy’s sister get out of the car and into the house from the window then raced downstairs to greet her. Holly was a little slower, slightly worried to meet a new person, but nevertheless determined to make a good impression on Suzy’s sister. She was a pretty redhead, a little taller than Suzy and a little more put together-looking, but the two looked very similar. They hugged in the doorway, the sister exclaiming, “Hey kiddo!” and muffled by Suzy’s shoulder, Holly could have sworn she heard an “are you wearing makeup?” before they pulled away. Suzy just subtly put a finger over her mouth and then they turned to Holly.

 

“Hi!” Holly clasped her hands behind her back and smiled wide, hoping the sister would be just as friendly. “I’m Holly, Suzy’s friend from school. You’re her sister, right? I’ve heard a bit about you.”

 

“Ooh, yeah! I’ve heard about you too. I’m Jean. S’nice to meet you,” she extended her hand. Holly took it. “I love your hair. Super cute.”

 

“Oh, gosh, thank you. Yours is really nice as well.” Holly suddenly gasped, spinning to look at Suzy. “Wait, is red your natural colour also?”

 

“Ha! Nope. It’s just dark brownish. Didn’t know you me even before I dyed my hair? You never noticed? I’m disappointed.” Suzy tilted her head teasingly.

 

“Ugh,” was all Holly said, though she was smiling still.

 

“Sweet, we bonded. You guys want to make lunch yet? I’m hungry.” Jean put her arms around both girls and lead them into the kitchen without waiting for an answer. “I was thinking of just making really fancy sandwiches. Sandwiches with things that have never before been in a sandwich, you know? Explore some near frontiers. Mom’s not home, so no one can stop me from putting cereal on my sandwich.”

 

“Sounds good to me if it sounds good to you.” Suzy pried herself from Jean’s grasp and leaned against the counter, addressing Holly, who nodded happily. She liked both sisters, and was looking forwards to this, even if their sandwiches we going to turn out disgusting.

  
Jean let Holly go as well and stretched her arms. “Alright, let’s get to work.”


	6. Carrot Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buzzcut Season - Lorde  
> I Was An Island - Allison Weiss  
> Cardiac Arrest - Bad Suns
> 
> [ this chapter's a bit short, sorry. does anyone think i should start updating more regularly? rn it's just kind of whenever ]

March 13th, 1981

 

The three girls spent the rest of Holly’s time there making sandwiches, telling stories, and laughing hysterically. Jean and Holly really hit it off, though Suzy knew they would. Two of the best people Suzy had right now in the same room, having a blast together? Suzy was living the dream. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been in such a good mood for several days straight. It was glorious. It was about four-thirty when Holly said she wanted to be home before her father was, and she set off on her bike once again. Jean and Suzy waved her goodbye until her whipping skirt was well out of sight, then Jean grabbed Suzy by the shoulders and interrogated her relentlessly. “Oh, my god, she  _ is _ cute! She’s so sweet, she’s like a lollipop with good style. Didja find out anything about her? She single? She like girls? Also,  _ are you wearing mascara? ” _

 

“Alright, calm down, Jean.” Suzy started walking up the stairs slowly, back to her room. Jean followed. “I still don’t know anything about… that, but it’s fine ‘cause I don’t like her. Also maybe a little bit of mascara. I wanted to look nice for our guest.”

 

“Lies, lies. So-o-o-o many lies.  _ You _ put _ makeup _ on. You’re crazy into her! Admit it.” Jean was tugging desperately at Suzy’s shirt as she trudged back into her room.

 

“Even if I was, I don’t know if she’s gay at all. What are the odds I’d meet probably the only other queer kid in town? Like, none. So.”

 

“Just ask!” Suzy had gotten into her room and was trying to close the door, but Jean was sticking her head through the doorway and continuing. “Just walk up to her and ask ‘you like girls?’ or ‘what is your opinion on Liza Minnelli?’ or ‘would you mind having a lady’s fingers up your va—’”

 

“What the fuck, Jean, oh my god!” Suzy threw a pillow at her sister to get her out of her room and closed her door shut. Through the door she heard Jean yell, “I’m just trying to help!” and she let out a snort before jumping onto her bed and picking up her drawing pen and some paper. The drawing came easily to her, the pen felt breezy in her hand. She spent a long time colouring it in, determined to make in fully capture the picture in Suzy’s head. Once she was done, she hung it up amongst her posters, proud.

 

* * *

 

When Holly got home, she found that her father was already home. She closed the door behind her and saw him on the couch, watching the news. 

 

“Oh, hi, Dad.”

 

“Mm.” He acknowledged.

 

Holly sighed quietly and started towards the stairs, but the news caught her eye. It was about how schools were censoring books, movies, any other media featuring gay characters. Holly watched from behind the couch, feeling a strange dread creeping up her back. She cleared her throat. “Dad… I wanted to know, uh, what do you think of that?” She leaned into his periphery and gestured at the TV.

 

He sighed and took a sip of the beer he held. “I think it’s good for kids. I mean, planting that thought into their heads at a young age… no wonder they don’t think it’s a choice. That’s what I think, anyway. Could just be that I’m old and don’t know what we have to believe nowadays, though.”

 

Holly felt her stomach drop. Her voice was toneless. “So you do think it’s a choice? Oh.” She stood back up and walked to her room, lying down on her bed and thinking, trying not to cry. Spending time with Suzy had really opened Holly’s mind. Suzy wasn’t in any way different, she had a family and she had inside jokes and a cool room and interests. Being gay was just a trait, which meant that it was more possible than ever that Holly was… too. On the bright side, clearly her dad doesn’t suspect anything.

 

When she heard a quiet knocking on her door frame, she sat up and stared at her dad, who stood there. “Honey… can I sit?”

 

Holly shrugged and moved over. He took his seat on the bed.

 

“I know that you’re a better person than me. I know that you young people are leading the world in a better direction, but you have to see it from my perspective. I was in the navy for years and I had to realise that you cannot be an individual. You are a tool, meant to live and serve and die. No one can vary.” He placed his hand on his daughter’s shoulder. She gently put hers over his. “Difference isn’t bad. I just wish… I could bring myself to see that. But for now, there are just some things I can’t accept.” Holly’s hand slid off. She clasped them in her lap, not liking the turn of this conversation.

 

“Dad, you know, I made a friend. And she’s gay. And I’m afraid to invite her over because I don’t know how you would feel about that.” The words that fell out of her mouth terrified her and she didn’t know where they were coming from, but now, they were out there, and she watched her dad closely.

 

He took a log sip of his beer. “Dunno how I’d feel either.” He stood up. “Don’t let them give you any weird ideas, alright?” And he left.

 

Now, Holly tipped over and started crying.


	7. Navy Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ribs - Lorde  
> The Universe We Dreamt - Matt DiMora  
> Weekends - Amy Shark
> 
> [ im real proud of this chapter & it makes me emo so pls enjoy ]

March 26th, 1981 

 

Dinner was cleared up, and against Holly’s will they insisted she don’t help clean. “It’s in my nature!” she had pleaded, but Suzy just turned around and told her that she “needed to get out of her comfort zone” with a twinkle in her eye.

 

“So, what are we doing now?” Jean asked, when it was just the three girls again.

 

“‘We’ aren’t doing anything. Holly and I have to figure out a school project. Sorry Jean, love you, but duty calls. Hey, want to go up to my room?” Suzy waited for Holly to nod happily before they set off. Suzy glanced back at Jean as she walked up the stairs, and her sister winked at her. Suzy rolled her eyes.

 

“Right, any ideas?” Suzy asked, closing the door behind them. Holly was gazing up at the skylight, so Suzy brushed a bunch of drawings on the floor aside and took a seat. It took her a second, but Holly noticed and did the same.

 

“Hey, wait.” Holly pointed up on Suzy’s wall. The drawing she did last night hung there, for the world, for Holly to see. Suzy’s face flushed. “That’s gorgeous. I… wow.” It was a landscape, a silhouetted hill with two people on it, with a beautiful background with navy and purple galaxies, complete with hundreds of white stars above it.

 

Suzy shrugged, embarrassed but flattered. “I did it pretty recently. I guess I’m a little proud.”

 

“You should be,” Holly breathed. “If you don’t mind me asking, who are the two people?”

 

Suzy opened her mouth then shut it. The truth was on the tip of her tongue, bold but not what she could bring herself to say. “It’s… I don’t know.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Well.” Cheeks still burning, Suzy regretted ever pinning it up. The evening that Holly was over had left Suzy in a weird state where it was all she really focused on, and though they were just black blobs on a hill, Suzy knew when she made them that they were her and Holly, for sure. “Anyway. Any ideas for the science thing, for real?”

 

“I was thinking about something that was definitely about science, but had an element of something else. Just to break the system a little. Like, here’s what science can explain, and here’s what it can’t. In one presentation. Makes it a million times more interesting.” Holly suggested, hand gestures wild with excitement.

 

Suzy nodded vigorously, engaged. “I love that. Make ‘em smarter but let ‘em know that isn’t shit compared to what we don’t know. That’s good.” There was a pause, since clearly neither of them had further ideas. “Uh… chemistry experiments are always fun.”

 

“That’s true.” Holly didn’t seem totally into the notion.

 

“We could get some bacteria samples or something and do whatever with it,” Suzy tried again.

 

“That’s true.”

 

Suzy tried one last time. She pointed to her drawing hopefully. “How about something about space?”

 

Holly jumped up. “Genius! Yes. Let’s do it.”

 

“Glad we agree,” Suzy said, smiling, “let’s work out the specifics later, though. Right now, I want to know about you.”

 

“Ab-about me?” Holly’s eyes got a little wider, and she sunk back down to ground.

 

“Yes. Hmm… let’s start with: what’s your favourite colour? Mine’s purple.”

 

Holly tilted her head. “Yellow. I think. Is your favourite colour just whatever hair colour you happen to have at that moment?”

 

“Good call,” Suzy grinned. “Favourite food?”

 

“That’s really hard. I guess just warm, fluffy pancakes on a cold morning. It’s a good feeling inside.”

 

“Mm. That’s good stuff. Mine’s probably just spaghetti. Basic, I know.” Both girls laughed. Suzy continued interrogating, but now she was laying down, head propped up on her arms. “Favourite class?”

 

Holly couldn’t help but smile shyly. “...science. No reason in particular.”

 

“Oh, sure. It’s Mrs. Harbury, isn’t it?” They laughed again.

 

Holly glanced at her bag, still near the doorway. “I’m going to get my pyjamas on and stuff, I think. It’s only, like, eight, but they’re comfy.” She picked up her stuff and Suzy gave her directions to the upstairs bathroom. While she was changing, Suzy decided to do the same, getting ready to go to bed so she wouldn’t have to later. She pulled the couch into its bed form and grabbed some blankets, pillows, a glass of water, trying to make sure Holly would have the best sleep possible here. Holly walked in on Suzy fluffing her pillows. Her blonde hair was up in a ponytail. She had pyjama shorts with little mice caricatures on them and a t-shirt for a heavy metal band which Suzy couldn’t imagine she actually listened to, which would explain why it was a pyjama shirt.

 

“Ooh, for me?” Holly flopped down in her bed and instantly looked blissful. “This is way more comfortable than I thought it was going to be.”

 

“But wait!” Suzy was back near the doorway. “There’s more! The moment you’ve all been waiting for…” She flicked the lights off.

 

The sun had already set. The stars were shining through the skylight and the moon was a sliver in the night. The milky way had itself of twinkling display, bringing colour to the million white lights of distant suns. Holly audibly gasped. Suzy laid down on her own bed, gazing up at it while being comforted by Holly’s awe. “It’s amazing! Really. Thank you so much, you have no idea how much I was looking forwards to seeing this.”

 

“Next question: who’s your favourite sleepover hostess, huh?” Suzy struck a pose and Holly rolled her eyes. But with the sky so clear and open above them, Holly knew what she needed to do.

 

“Hey…” Holly’s voice became serious, and Suzy was immediately on high alert. “Can I ask _you_ a question?”

 

Suzy nodded.

 

Holly took a breath. “How did you know?”

 

“How did I know—I was gay?”

 

Holly nodded. Suzy could tell she was deathly afraid of being insulting or too invasive, so she put on a soft smile to show she didn’t mind being asked things like that. Especially not by someone like Holly.

 

“I didn’t always know. It was a gradual accumulation of things that made me pretty obviously different, then one day in grade four, or something, I realized I had a crush on a girl. From there, I couldn’t explain it away anymore. I am who I am, you know?” Suzy never talked about the silent turmoil she had gone through internally during this time, the only period in her life that she could remember where she hated being who she was. It was a tragic outburst, and Suzy was grateful every day that it ended. “Can I ask why you want to know?”

 

“I guess that’s only fair.” Holly picked at her pillow, staring up at the stars. “Remember when I asked if you wanted to be my friend? It was such a weird thing to say because that’s not what I meant to ask that at all. I wanted to know how you knew you were gay. I’ve just been thinking… what if I’m like you?”

 

Suzy’s heart leapt into her throat. She never thought she’d hear these words from Holly’s mouth. To be honest, she’d imagined it, if her impossible suspicions way earlier on had been correct and Holly was as straight as her, but she had never been able to imagine what would happen after, nor did she ever think it would be true. “I-I mean… do you think you are?” Suzy was dying to know more.

 

Holly was quiet for several minutes and Suzy was worried she had pushed too far. “I know I’m different somehow. That there’s a part of me that’s so separate from everything I try to be, but I don’t know what that is. When you came out all those years ago, I started wondering. And I have been ever since. That’s why I always was looking at you, or whatever. It was super weird, sorry about that, by the way, but it was because I thought you might have an answer. Not that that’s the only reason I’m your friend, though. You really are a great person.”

 

Suzy rolled over in her bed, looking at what she could make out of Holly’s face from the faint moonlight. She was concerned in a way she couldn’t quite place, her friend’s words brewing in her head, trying to figure out what this meant. “You know you don’t have to know right now, Right? Or ever, even. You can just live your life, see what you want as it comes to you.” That’s how Suzy did it, it was just lucky her sexuality was so straightforward. “...and thanks. I did think it was a little weird, but hey, it didn’t stop us from being friends.”

 

Holly laughed softly.

 

“Yeah.” Suzy continued. “The world kind of sucks at making people feel secure with themselves, especially if you’re different, but you don’t have to follow the rules. Just be yourself until you figure out who you are.”

 

“God, you’re a philosopher.” Holly smiled, sat up, and reached up to grab Suzy’s hand. Suzy’s brain went fuzzy immediately. She was hyper-aware of Holly’s fingers, laid gently on top of her own. Carefully, she clasped her hand around Holly’s the same way. “Thank you, though. I think I really needed to hear that. Things might never be exactly the way I want them to be, but all I can do is be myself, right?”

 

“Right.” There was a long silence, both girls held their breath, knowing there was more Suzy wanted to say. There was a question on the tip of her tongue but Holly was the one person in Suzy’s life who rendered her violently afraid that she was doing something wrong, that every conversation, every light touch, every glance was risking their friendship. Suzy didn’t know how she handled it. “Holly… I’m sorry if this is too much, you don’t need to tell me anything, but I just…” Suzy shook her head and decided to go for it. “Is your dad homophobic?”

 

There was a sniffle from the couch. Suzy gasped and scrambled off the bed, releasing her hand. Without thinking, she wrapped her arms around Holly, whatever she could to try and remedy the fact that she had just made her cry.

 

“I-I’m so sorry—” Holly managed, leaning her head on Suzy’s shoulder, which is all she could really do, restrained by Suzy’s arms. “It’s not your fault, I’m just—my feelings are delicate.” She laughed quietly, strained.

 

“Jesus Christ, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to—” Suzy was mentally punching herself in the face. She couldn’t believe what she had done, making a beautiful soul who never hurt anyone cry by trying to lure a truth out of her, one that she desperately, selfishly, wanted to be true. The reality was that Holly’s life would only be hindered, maybe even ruined, if she was gay. Suzy knew that better than anyone. As Holly’s friend, she hoped she wasn’t. But as a lesbian who hadn’t realized how much she needed companionship until Holly came into her life, she wanted someone else like her so badly. She felt the tears on her wrist and she felt terrible, wondering why she ever thought she deserved this amazing friend.

 

“Suzy, don’t apologize. I want you to know things about me. In a couple months we can just laugh about that time I cried at a sleepover at your house.” Holly had mostly stopped tearing up, but she paused to sniffle every few seconds. Each time, Suzy held her a little tighter. “My dad, he is. He’s not explicit about it, but he thinks it’s a choice and all that, and I know he’d never believe me if I told him I was… gay. If I am, I mean.” She sighed deeply. “I want him to be proud of me so much.”

 

This hit Suzy right in her heart, twisting her gut. “Holly, you’re the nicest person I’ve ever met. You would forgive someone if they stabbed you. You do all your chores and more, you’re a genius, you love your dad no matter what he does, you’re the perfect daughter. If he’s not proud of you beyond words already, he’s not a dad, he’s just a guy who lives in your house and helped conceive you.” Visions of Suzy’s family, her support, the people who bring out the best in her, flashed in her mind. Family was not a biological afterthought, it was a love you felt in all of you. She was so lucky to have the people she did. “You mean so much to so many people. You mean—you mean so much to me. If he won’t accept the beautiful person you are, he’s the one who needs to get his shit together.”

 

Holly wiped her eyes. “That’s the best thing anyone has ever said to me. You’re going to make me cry again, come on.” Suzy smiled. Holly carried on. “I’m pretty sure you’re my best friend. Everything you say makes me so happy. Thank you.”

 

Suzy carefully let her go, but she stayed close. Holly thought Suzy was her best friend. That meant everything to Suzy, and confirmed the adoration she held in her heart for the girl. This friendship had blossomed into something higher than that, a power Suzy couldn’t put into words, she could only let herself feel. Holly was what she had been waiting for her whole life. The last puzzle piece. This was how Suzy was going to get through the rest of high school. Suzy laid down on the couch-bed and Holly did the same. Suzy turned to her. “You’re my best friend, too.” Before Suzy had time to prepare, Holly tilted her head up and kissed her on the cheek. Suzy moved to face the skylight, trying to cover up the blush that spread across her cheeks furiously. That was going to be on her mind for days.

 

The two girls gazed up at the stars, both knowing much more about each other than earlier that same day. They twinkled for them, putting on a silent show for friends who found each other in a world of doubt. This was the infinity Suzy wanted to be suspended in forever, drenched in love from everyone she cared about in all directions, feeling the music of Holly’s words dancing in her mind. It was a gorgeous night.

 

Holly gasped suddenly. “I know what to do for our project! Stars! When a huge star dies, it collapses into a black hole, which is something that we still don’t know where it leads. It’ll be informative but mystifying. You in?”

 

Suzy smiled impossibly wide. “Super yes. This is going to be the best project ever.”

 

That was the last thing Suzy said before she and Holly fell asleep on the couch, pressed close. It was one of the best sleeps she had ever had.


	8. Topaz Orange

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unsteady - X Ambassadors  
> Today Is Not Real - The Front Bottoms  
> My Fault - Imagine Dragons
> 
> [ i'll be gone without internet for a week, so next update won't be for a while :) ]

March 27th, 1981

 

Holly woke up the next morning first, blinking her eyes open when the sunlight filtered in from above. When she noticed Suzy was right beside her, she sat up quickly, which sent her head reeling. She had forgotten momentarily the conversations they had last night. They flowed back to her while she stared at Suzy’s sleeping face and she felt the warmth of the memories all over again. She stretched and stood up slowly, grabbing her bag and trying to find the bathroom Suzy directed her to last night without running into any of her family members. She changed into the clothes she’d brought for today, a button-up t-shirt tucked into a skirt, as per usual, and wandered back into Suzy’s room. She took a seat on Suzy’s bed gingerly. It was pretty springy, but comfortable. She picked up some drawings strewn across the floor to look at while waiting for Suzy to wake up.

 

When she finally stirred, she yawned and stretched, eyes still blurrily closed. “Holly?” Suzy called out softly, like she wasn’t totally aware that she was doing it yet. Holly couldn’t help but giggle.

 

“I’m here, Suzy. Good morning.” She reached out and nudged her friend with her foot, who sleepily grabbed at her ankle.

 

“Mm. Just… give me a few minutes.” Suzy almost immediately fell back asleep, snoring lightly. Holly rolled her eyes but her smile was wide, tired Suzy was very entertaining. Holly laid down on Suzy’s bed, closing her eyes. Why not get a bit more rest, too? It wasn’t long before she drifted off into a hazy morning nap.

 

* * *

 

Holly opened her eyes to find herself a scene with a distant familiarity, a beach at sunset, orange light washing the sea and the sand at her feet. It tugged at her heart with a nostalgia she couldn’t place. She suddenly heard the sound of a child laughing and turned around, seeing two other beach patrons, a middle-aged man and a young girl. As she walked up closer, it hit her with alarming realization that this was her father and her, many years ago. This beach was just outside their old house, the one they lived in until he went off to serve in the navy. They moved after he returned, saying he couldn’t live with “old ghosts” anymore. Holly never understood what he meant, but there was a hauntedness in his eyes that told her he knew darker things than she dare imagine. That ghast never left him.

 

Growing sad, she watched her younger self splash around at the water’s edge. Her father sat a little further back, keeping a very careful eye on Holly. He was young and unkept, the sea breeze whistling through his brown hair. Even from where she stood, she could feel his joy. It was so powerful, a loving father who you give anything for his daughter to be happy. It was so strange to see him so outwards with his affection that she could barely believe this had really been the way they lived.

 

He laid down in the sand, every once in awhile looking up at child Holly to see if she was alright. But slowly, he drifted off into a sun-induced sleep, though Holly was still around the water. She stood up, little baby legs stomping around in the small waves. From far off, a boat sped across the ocean and sent a huge wave towards the beach. 

 

Holly saw this and knew her younger self was in trouble, so she tried to wake her father, but she found she couldn’t move and any sound she made couldn’t be heard by anyone but her. “Dad! Wake up! Please!” She felt tears roll down her cheeks. The wave was only meters away now, and baby Holly was still hobbling around in the water. Present-day Holly sunk to her knees, watching helplessly as the young girl was enveloped by the wave, letting out a squeak of fear before going underwater.

 

“No!” Holly cried, reaching out. Suddenly, an idea hit her. She scrambled in the sand to find a rock and she threw it at her father, who blinked awake. He sat straight up and immediately leapt to his feet, not seeing either Holly anywhere.

 

“The water!” She yelled, knowing she had no impact.

 

Luckily, her father ran to the water and dove in, and for two terrifying minutes where Holly had no idea what was happening under there, she could do nothing but watch in fear. Suddenly, her father’s head broke the surface and in his arms, baby Holly. He cradled her tightly, wading back to shore. On his face, Holly could see a love, a fear, unlike anything she had ever seen before on him. It dug a hole in her chest that she didn’t know how to fill, desperate for that emotion to be how he still felt for her. Like he would sacrifice anything for her.

 

As he ran by, he talked to his young Holly, and Holly herself listened with tears forming in her eyes yet again.

 

“I’m so sorry, angel, I never should have left you alone. This is all my fault. Please, stay with me. You’re all I have.” He was crying too now, his only light could go out. “Holly, I love you so much. Please don’t leave me. Please.”

 

He had gone too far now for Holly to hear anymore, but that was all she wanted to hear. Hearing those words from that voice was everything she had ever wanted. Why weren’t things still like this? Why did they have to change? Holly never stopped loving her father like the little girl by the ocean, so why did she barely recognize the man who protected her? It killed her to think that this was it, that things could never revert to her father being able to tell her what she meant to him. Holly felt defeated. She shouldn’t have to go back in time in a dream to be sure her dad loves her.

 

The scene of orange waves, now calm, now empty, slowly faded out into blackness. Holly woke up to Suzy standing over her, and she swallowed her frustration. She was with her best friend right now. Her dad didn’t matter here.


	9. Spice Brown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Millennial Attraction - Hardcastle  
> American Suitehearts - Fall Out Boy  
> The Enemy - Andrew Belle
> 
> [ i dont really know how to relay it through writing so ill just tell you here: suzy has undiagnosed adhd (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and it really contributes to the rougher parts of her personality, but its the 80s and a small town so theres really no support for her ]

March 29th, 1981

 

Monday came quicker than Suzy would’ve liked. The weekend was incredible, the sleepover still leaving her dreamy and blissful every once in a while. The next morning had been fairly uneventful, breakfast with Suzy’s family and Holly had seemed a little out of it, but Suzy figured she was just tired. She left pretty shortly after, since it was scheduled to rain that day and she wanted to get home before the storm hit.

 

Suzy could only focus on seeing Holly again the rest of the weekend. Jean had definitely noticed Suzy’s random lapses into daydreaming and teased her mercilessly about being obsessed, and Suzy didn’t even care. It really was consuming. Whatever  _ it _ was.

 

This particular Monday morning was grey and drizzly, cool enough for Suzy to wear a sweater, but warm enough for her to still bike to school. Ideal conditions all around. She tied her bike up to the bike rack but just as she was about to head into school, a familiar skirt rode up just beside her. Holly hopped off her bike.

 

“Holly!”

 

“‘Morning,” Holly smiled. “This is pretty weird. I never see you before science class.”

 

“That’s true. Up until now, I guess I just assumed you were an imaginary friend that I made up because I was so bored in science.” Suzy confessed with a shrug and both girls laughed.

 

“Speaking of which, how come I never see you at lunch? I could use a reason to hang out with someone other than the people I was friends with years ago and don’t really like anymore but also don’t want to ditch so I’m alone at lunch. Besides, you won’t ask me at least once a week whether you should go out with Jared with an ‘e’ or Jarod with an ‘o.’” Holly leaned against the school’s brick wall. How did her hair stay beautiful even though she had just biked a kilometre?

 

“Well. I’d love to hang out with you at lunch, but I always go on walks off school grounds. It helps clears my head. School makes me all fuzzy. I can never focus, I’m always daydreaming, you know. Anyway. The walks help.” Suzy didn’t know why she never seemed to retain anything, and she didn’t know why she was the only one she knew who had that issue. Teachers thought she was just a bad kid, but Suzy didn’t know how to be good.

 

Holly looked sympathetic. She was a model student herself, so Suzy didn’t expect her to be able to relate. “I could come with you! It would be fun. Oh, unless it’s, like, a thing you do alone. That’s totally fine. Your call.”

 

Suzy never liked being alone. She tolerated it fine, but she loved engaging with people. It helped her let off some of that pent up energy that prevented her from sitting still in class, too. But these walks had always been something she had to herself, a moment where she could just reflect. Still… Suzy stared at Holly, someone who, in the short time they’d been friends, had completely overridden every wall Suzy had ever put up. These moments were meant to be spent alone, but the only person Suzy wanted more than anything to be alone with was Holly. “Sure. I’ll meet you here at lunch.”

 

Holly’s smile widened. “Can’t wait. Now, let’s get to class.”

 

She adjusted her backpack and started off, but without even thinking about it, Suzy reached out and grabbed her wrist before she could go anywhere.

 

“...or not?” Holly turned to face Suzy again, looking amused.

 

Suzy looked down and realized what she was doing. “Sorry!” She quickly let go, heart pounding. “I… uh. Um? I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed spending time together last weekend. Yeah. We should do it again some time. Okay. Bye!” Suzy rushed off as fast as she possibly could, mentally slamming her head against the wall. Why did she do that? It was only getting harder to talk to Holly. What the fuck was happening to her? All throughout social studies Suzy kept turning it over in her mind and she couldn’t help but wonder if Jean was right. Maybe she did have a small crush on Holly. But no! Suzy was  _ not _ going to sacrifice a great friendship for a dumb crush that she may or may not have.

 

She spent the rest of the morning not thinking about Holly by thinking about not thinking about her. It didn’t work very well.

 

* * *

 

Holly stuffed her backpack in her locker just as lunch started, wanting to make sure she was slowed down as little as possible, since she was going to have to keep up with Suzy, the ball of energy. She was at the place where they said they’d wait first, so she leaned against the wall and tried to stretch inconspicuously. Just as she almost reached her toes with her hands, a voice made her jump.

 

“Whatcha doing there?” She immediately stood up straight and stared at the person who had spoken, a boy that must have been her age, who she didn’t recognize at all. He was only a little taller than her, with wavy brown hair and blue eyes.

 

“Um… nothing! Do I know you?” Holly wasn’t used to meeting new people, and living in such a small town, there was never really new people to meet.

 

The boy laughed. “No. Sorry. I just moved here. I’m Ross.” He stuck out his hand. Holly shook it gingerly. “Honestly I was just looking for something to do, y’know? First day, haven’t really got any friends yet.”

 

“Oh… yeah. Been there.” Holly thought he seemed fairly nice, his voice sounded faintly New York-y. People from New York weren’t usually jerks, right? “Well, I don’t have anything to do right now, either. I’m waiting for someone.”

 

“Great. Good. Don’t want to waste your time or anything, but people here are pretty routine-obsessed, huh? They aren’t quick to accept someone new into their groups.” Ross said, scratching the back of his neck.

 

Holly nodded vigorously, thinking about how people pushed Suzy away. “You can’t do anything drastic in this town without everyone noticing. Speaking of which, why’d you move  _ here? _ It’s like the lamest part of the midwest. Nothing happens. You don’t move here, you are either born here or you were dropped by air mail and never returned. This is where cults on TV are formed.”

 

Ross tilted his head with a grin. “You’re funny. If you must know, I lived in New York, but my parents were both from small cities. They both always wanted to move back to one. Then, something happened at my old school and I had to switch schools no matter what, so we just… moved. It was pretty sudden.”

 

“You have no idea how much I get that.” Holly and her father made the decision to move out of their old house in one day. Or rather, her dad made that decision and she packed up almost everything. He chose Kettleburg because it was quiet and it was a place where her father could settle into a routine life to permanently distract him from the memories of the war and of Holly’s mother. Or, that was her theory, anyway. That was yet another thing she didn’t think she’d ever get out of him. There were so many “why”s in her life.

 

“Wait, so you moved here, too? So guess it’s not just airmail.” Ross commented, raising an eyebrow. “Why were you so surprised then?”

 

Holly flushed, embarrassed. “I guess I thought my situation was pretty unique. Sorry.”

 

“Oh, I don’t care. Just wondering.”

 

“Hey, Holly!” Suzy burst out the school doors, looked at her, looked at Ross, and her smile wavered. “Who’s this guy?”   
  
“Suzy! Where have you been? Also, this is Ross. He just moved here.” As nice as it was talking with Ross, Holly was ready to dive into conversation with someone she knew better. “You ready to go?”   
  
Suzy summed Ross up steadily and ultimately reached out to shake his hand. “I’m Suzy. Holly here is my best friend.”   
  
He nodded approvingly, “Nice handshake. Firm grip.”   
  
“Thanks.” Suzy pointed at Holly. “She needs to work on hers.”   
  
“That’s what I thought! No offense, of course. It’s a talent few are born with.” Ross agreed, giving Holly a comforting pat on her shoulder. She didn’t know if she liked that.   
  
“Anyway, yes. I’m good. Let’s go, Holly. Bye, Ross.” Suzy waved to the new boy and walked away, Holly smiled at him then followed on her friend’s heels.   
  
Suzy obviously knew where she wanted to go, she walked confidently off, following a path that left school grounds and headed towards the edge of town. Holly had to speed walk a bit to keep up, but it was worth it. “Right so, where were you? I know your locker is pretty far from that entrance, but damn.” Holly hoped walking and talking at the same wasn’t going to be as strenuous as people said it was.   
  
“Oh, hah, sorry about that. A teacher made me stay after the bell to yell at me for trying to sell my project to some kid in our class who didn’t do it.”   
  
“Wow.”   
  
“It was kind of stupid. I mean, she got more mad at me than him. At least I did it!” Suzy sighed. “Whatever. I still handed it in.”   
  
Holly was almost impressed. “You lead an infinitely more interesting life than I do, school-wise.”   
  
“Well, now I’m a part of it, so things will get weirder.” Suzy promised, as they ducked under a tree’s branches. “I’m hoping for the opposite, that your smartness will somehow transmit to me, but I think my bad influence is more potent.”   
  
“But you are smart!” Holly was genuinely upset that Suzy didn’t think they were on the same level. Sure, she did well in school, but Suzy was a genius with people and she seemed to understand things on another level than most people. She deals with rejection on a daily basis and knows that she’s too smart to be dragged down by it. School was a stupid way to measure someone’s worth. Suzy was miles above anything they could teach you in a classroom. “For the record, your bad influence has made my life so much better.”

 

“That’s nice of you to say.” As they talked, Suzy lead Holly down one of her favourite pathways, a forest that seperated the farmland from the town. It was a beautiful place, and no one really ever came here. Sucks for them, awesome for Suzy. And now, awesome for Holly, too. Hopefully. “Sorry for changing the subject, but that new guy, Ross? He’s kinda cool.”

 

“He is. A little weird, too. Reminded me of you.” Suzy turned around to look at Holly momentarily at that, and the girls smiled at each other. “Maybe we’ll make a new friend. Exciting, huh? Having two friends in one month? When’s the last time you managed that?”

 

Suzy laughed, prompted to keep walking. “Oh, that’s just rude. We were having a moment!”

 

“Sorry. Point still stands, though. New people can be good!” Holly sped up a bit to catch up. The pathway had widened enough for both of them.

 

“That, I know. You were good.” Suzy agreed.

 

Holly hoped the smile that that compliment sparked wasn’t too giddy. “Maybe Ross will be your next me.”

 

Suzy stopped in her tracks and Holly did the same when she noticed, a little confused, a little worried.

 

“Holly. I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to even come close to being you. You have no idea how amazing you’ve made these past few weeks.” Suzy had gone uncharacteristically serious, sincerity that made Holly’s heart pound out of proportion.

 

“I’m really glad you think so. I… actually feel the exact same.” It felt good to say something like that, to break in the limits of their friendship, see what happens if Holly only says what she truly thinks. “When I first started talking to you, I had no idea it would change everything like this.”

 

Suzy tilted her head. “So you were just planning to learn my gay secrets then ditch me?”

 

“I—what! No, you know I wasn’t.”

 

“Mm hm.” Suzy turned away dramatically, just to make sure Holly knew she was joking.

 

“Come on!” Holly grinned suddenly. “We were having a moment!”

 

When Holly repeated Suzy’s line, Suzy started laughing which sent Holly laughing, in turn. They continued their walk in lighthearted moods, joking around. By the time they got to the school, the bell for afternoon classes was just about to sound. Holly thanked Suzy for taking her along and they parted until science.

 

Holly enjoyed that lunch hour more than any other in recent years. The forest path they had taken was beautiful, she had been so caught up in it she didn’t even notice the hour fly by, and Suzy. Suzy, of course, had made it a million times better. Not only that, but since the sleepover, Holly felt a slight change in their dynamic, something shifted in the way Suzy spoke to her. It was more cautious, more vulnerable. Holly felt like she was slowly unlocking the side of Suzy that she didn’t show to the world. The part of her that wasn’t always carefree. The part of her that Holly connected with that night. Suzy was not everything she showed upfront, Holly was certain.

 

In the same way, Holly was learning about herself. Something about Suzy made her feel more comfortable, and she knew it was because she had shared her fears about her identity. It didn’t mean nothing.

 

Some part of her knew who she really was. She just needed to coax that part out, somehow. She was dying to know.


	10. Army Green

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stones Around the Sun - Lewis Watson  
> Fall Harder - Fractures  
> Luna - The Smashing Pumpkins
> 
> [ school is starting up again pretty soon so idk how regularly ill be able to post :( ]

March 29th, 1981

 

Late to science again, Suzy slid into the seat beside Holly, who greeted her by showing her a messy little doodle of Paco that she had made in the two or three minutes that she was waiting for Suzy. Even though Holly definitely wasn’t exactly drowning in artistic talent, Suzy adored it and asked if she could keep it. Holly shrugged and handed it over. They had spent lunch together again, and Suzy couldn’t help but feel it really brought them closer. Holly had seemed melancholy earlier, and she was much brighter now. Suzy couldn’t help but hope she was why.

 

But all that was neither here nor there. Today, Suzy was going to listen. They were working on the project these next few classes, which Suzy was ready to give one hundred and ten percent in. She couldn’t remember the last time she was so invested in a school project, but it was going to serve her well and it most definitely had to do with Holly.

 

Oh, well. Whatever motivated her, right? She reached over and took out a piece of paper from Holly’s binder, then a pen. Holly snorted, amused, but also slightly impressed that Suzy was finally interested in something. She put her pen to paper as Mrs. Harbury described the outline of the project.

 

About a five-minute presentation worth of material, with at least one visual and one auditory medium, and the topic must be somehow relevant to everyday life. Suzy read the list over. The last criteria might prove to be a problem.

 

Mrs. Harbury cleared her throat and Suzy looked up. She was standing at the front of the class, hands clasped. “Students, this is very important. We have a new student with us.” Holly and Suzy exchange a glance. Mrs. Harbury beckoned to a kid in the first row, who stood up and turned around.

 

“This is Ross O’Donovan. I hope you will all make him feel welcome.”

 

Ross pretended to curtesy. From where they sat, Holly waved at him. He smiled back. Mrs. Harbury raised her eyebrows.

 

“Miss Holly, seems that you two know each other, yes?”

 

Holly, unprepared, took a stammering second to answer. “Well—yes, ma’am.”

 

“Perfect. Mr. O’Donovan, you will join Suzy and Holly on their project. Good luck. Now get to work, class!” She clapped her hands and the room dispersed. Suzy and Holly, both still a little confused at the sudden change, just had to improvise when Ross walked up to their desks.

 

“Hey, guys. I didn’t want to get in the middle of your project, super sorry, but the teacher is the teacher, right?” He shrugged, casual, but sincere.

 

“It’s… it’s all good, man. It’ll be good to work with you.” Suzy gestured to the desk in front of the two girls. “Take a seat, we’ll tell you about the project.

 

Ross took the chair and swiveled it so he was facing Holly and Suzy. Suzy had to admit, he was cool. He did everything like he didn’t care about what anyone thought. She had a similar mindset, but hers was more in place so she’d survive here. She tilted her head. Maybe he also had some tragic secret that he compensated for, something that could even outshine her lone wolf status. But that was presumptive of her.

 

“So, first, our project is going to be the most interesting, but with the least amount of actual, useful information.” Suzy began, Ross bobbing his head to show he was listening. “It’s about stars, and specifically, what happens when they die. But we expect to go on a lot of dumb tangents while presenting, so, really, it can be about whatever you want.”

 

“That was incredible,” Holly complimented, while Ross wolf-whistled.

 

“I like your guys’ style. As in, not-taken-seriously. Good stuff.” Ross gestured for Suzy to continue her explanation.

 

“Thanks. Although this time it’s a bit of a mix of smart—” Suzy pointed to Holly, “—and nihilistic—” she pointed to herself, “—and with you in it, who knows how this’ll turn out? Anyways, we were thinking half the presentation would be facts about dying stars. What happens to ‘em, how it happens, all that. But then the second part comes around, and things get mysterious. Maybe I put on masquerade mask, maybe Holly gets into a cute magician’s assistant outfit—”

 

Holly snorted and mumbled, “you wish.”

 

“—and we discuss the things we don’t know. Some stars die and turn into black holes. Voids where time and space are bent into nothing. Nobody knows what goes on beyond there. We’ll talk about the millions of theories, about how black holes could be rifts that lead to new dimensions, or a gateway to an alternate reality. It’s incredible, but terrifying, when you start to realize that our human minds will never know what lies beyond one of these collapsed stars unless one of us throws themselves into one. They will never be able to tell anyone what they discover, but that’s just it, isn’t it? A black hole may be the bane of human significance, but if you decide to dive headfirst, you will conquer it. Any consequences will be completely your fault, but you will have done something no one else has. You will know a place that is special only to you.” Suzy’s voice had become ethereal, more engaging than Holly had ever heard. It was hypnotizing. She and Ross were staring at her in awe, wondering where she pulled that monologue from. Suzy stretched her hands out in front of her. “How’s that for a science project?”

 

Holly shook her head in wonder. “The more I talk to you, the more I think you’re an alien sent down to Earth to teach us about our selfish ways.”

 

Suzy laughed. Ross was still processing what had just transpired. “Does she just say things like that? All the time?”

 

Holly shrugged. “Occasionally. We had a sleepover once and I’m pretty sure she completely changed by life by the end of it.” Holly and Suzy shared a look, Holly smiling fondly, Suzy, a little surprised, and trying her best not to blush.

 

“Well, Jesus. In conclusion, sounding fucking awesome. This project is going to be wild.” Ross seemed genuinely pumped, which really made Suzy feel good. Maybe this was going to be the friendship that Suzy could have without him being driven away by her identity. Maybe it could also fill the gaps that Holly’s friendship didn’t cover. Holly was amazing, but Suzy was so scared of messing up with her. It didn’t help that Suzy found herself slightly attracted to her, either. She was so delicate, such a gentle balance in Suzy’s life that she was worried one wrong sentence would push her away.

 

She had never felt that kind of fear ever before.

 

Holly had turned her smile to Ross. “Now that we know that you’re just as on board as us,  we can seriously make this the best project ever. Let’s talk logistics. Any ideas for our visual component?”

 

“I think we should go through with the assistant magician outfit idea. Nobody’s gonna ignore that.” Ross joked, leaning forwards in his chair.

 

Suzy was laughing, Holly crossed her arms, but still smiled softly.

 

The rest of the class consisted of the three bouncing almost-serious ideas off each other between laughter and sly comments. Ross had the friendliness of someone you knew and gotten along with for years, the way he quickly figured out what kind of person you wanted him to be was very impressive. Unlike Holly, whose descent into Suzy’s life had been so sudden and had rewired everything, he just slid into it before you could even notice. It was fairly nice, actually. She didn’t know if she could deal with two life-changers in one month.

 

To contemplate, Suzy had laid back and hadn’t contributed to the conversation in a while. She eased herself back into reality, watching Holly and Ross talk for a few minutes.

 

Suzy hated that she was thinking it, but she couldn’t get it out of her mind how seamlessly flirty he was with Holly. He was definitely interested in her, some way. She felt it too, a pang in her gut that she knew was a gross emotion. Suzy ran a hand through her hair and tried to cool her senses down. She was going to have an infinitely harder time ignoring her dumb little crush if she was jealous of Holly and someone she literally just met. Still… it almost hurt thinking Holly could make someone else feel the same way she made Suzy feel, and it was worse to think someone could make Holly feel better than Suzy could.

 

Suzy mentally put those thoughts on her list of things to nonchalantly dismiss and returned to the discussion her two friends were having.

 

This was good. She just had to want it to be good.

 

* * *

 

On the bike ride home from school, Holly still felt giddy about how well that science class had gone. The conversation with Ross at lunch hadn’t been a waste of time, in fact, it had possibly helped Suzy and Holly get their project in gear. Plus, he was a really great person so far.

 

However, the more she replayed the class in her head,the more she realized there was something off. It was Suzy. Holly had noticed that she had changed a little bit, it was like she and Suzy had switched places in their friendship; Holly had become more comfortable, Suzy was losing her cool and it was like she was minimizing her personality. Holly’s mood darkened, considering why this was happening. Was it her? Did she say or do something wrong? They had had some very deep conversations, maybe Holly had said too much during one.

 

Whatever it was, Holly prayed it was just a small thing that would only affect Suzy for a bit. As she parked her bike in the garage, she promised herself she wouldn’t think about it beyond that.

 

“Oh, Holly. Glad you’re back. Do you mind unloading the dishwasher? I was going to do it, but I realized I didn’t know where most things go.” Holly’s dad’s voice greeted her the minute she walked in the door. Immediately, her mood sank a little.

 

“Sure, Dad.” She placed her bag neatly on the stairs for her to grab later, on her way up and got to work in the kitchen. Her father sat just across from her, watching TV in the living room with no sound on or subtitles on. He never watched TV for the enjoyment. He watched it because it wasn’t thinking. Holly had a sudden rush of indigniance. He should think.

 

“Dad?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“Would you be mad if I failed a test in school?” Holly didn’t know why she chose that scenario, but she truly didn’t know how he’d take it. It represented more.

 

From the couch, her dad sighed. “Why, did you?”

 

“No, I was just wondering.”

 

“That makes no sense. That thought had to be provoked by something. Did you fail a test?”

 

Holly didn’t think this was the route this conversation would take. “No. You don’t believe me?”

 

“You know, Holly, these days, I don’t know  if I can trust you on anything.” His voice had gotten quieter.

 

Holly was at a loss for words. “What… what do you mean?”

 

“Remember when you spent the night at Melanie’s?”

 

Holly nodded, though he couldn’t see her.

 

“No you don’t, because you didn’t.”

 

Holly felt her blood run cold. He continued.

 

“I called Melanie’s mom because it had been so long since you spent time with a friend outside of school. She said she hadn’t even heard from you in months. I was too disappointed to confront you about it. I didn’t even know what I was going to say when I did, so I considered never bringing it up. But here we are.”

 

Holly had frozen up, her hands too shaky to continue cleaning. “I… Dad…”

 

“This has to do with your new ‘friend,’ doesn’t it?” Her dad’s voice dripped with a poison she didn’t know he had in him. It hurt all over to hear it so plainly.

 

But Holly took a breath, put down the plate she held, and smoothed out her skirt. She didn’t have to submit, like she always did. She wanted answers, and she was going to have to demand them.

 

“Dad. I know this is distressing for you, but listen to me, okay? There’s a lot I’ve realized in the past few weeks and my friend has to do with it, yes, but these things have always been there. She just helped me see it. And I want you to see it, too.” Holly didn’t let herself reconsider for even one second, she let the words roll off her tongue and prayed they were  genuine enough to sway her father. There was a lot at risk here. Holly didn’t dare slip one lie into her speech. Her father’s silence told her he was listening. “I want you to know that all I have ever wanted is for you to be proud of me. Everything I do, every test I study for, every chore I do, every… lie I tell, is something I do because you might see the good in me. It’s an instinct that’s so ingrained in me that I couldn’t stop it if I tried. But, it’s just so hard. I see you and I see family, but it’s like there’s hundreds of layers of coldness I have to get through until I can have that family. I know you’ve been through a lot, I know you didn’t shut me out on purpose, but I’m your daughter. I know you have the space for me in your heart.” Holly felt tears coming to her eyes. She strained to keep the emotion out of her voice. “Dad, I… I love you. You’re all I have, and I’m all you have. I wish things could just go back to how they were before. I know they can’t, but I just—it’s important that you know how much I care about you.” She swallowed, the rawness of her own words draining her energy. Talking to her dad took so much from her.

 

He said nothing. Holly couldn’t bear to see what further disappointment might cross his face. It was silent, the distance between them suddenly had a bridge, but that didn’t mean he necessarily intended to use it. Holly’s attention spiked when she heard a muffled sniffle from the living room. She stole a glance. Her dad was still sitting on the couch, but his head was in his hands. She quietly picked herself up and walked over, standing behind the couch and gently placing a hand on her father’s shaking shoulder.

 

It took him a moment to speak.

 

“Sometimes you remind me of your mother, then I realize that I could never compare you to her, because you’d never leave me, no matter what I do.” He turned around, making unwavering eye contact with Holly for the first time in a while. “I have to learn to love all over again. I’m trying. For you, I’m trying. I never realized how hard it is to give that vulnerability to someone else in a world as dark as this one.” He shook her hand off his shoulder and gave Holly a small smile, before walking upstairs, where maybe he wouldn’t be so out in the open. Holly watched him go, tears welling in her eyes without resistance now. He hadn’t told her he was proud of her. He hadn’t told her he loved her. He just told Holly she reminded him of a woman he pretended didn’t exist and told her why he couldn’t love her.

 

Holly had to stop getting him to open up, when clearly all he could do was hide. It always left her more damaged. She sat down on the couch, defeated. She desperately wanted to know if someday, it would be worth the heartache. And if that someday would be soon.


End file.
